Depression and anxiety are not lovers of plans, nor do they tolerate or abide by commitments. Dates on the calendar are to be feared as if each and every one of them were the funeral of a loved one.
With one wedding, three birthdays, two family gatherings, and a stay with friends filling the weekends of September and October, I find myself feeling incredible sadness that I am bereft of the joy not only of the actual event itself, but also of the warm feeling that is Looking Forward to such occasions. All I can do is be a mere observer of those who are cheerily planning, chatting and creating a general buzz surrounding the upcoming events.
Only now do I appreciate the true value of anticipation – it breaks up the monotony of everyday life – not only that, but it helps build and maintain healthy bonds and fulfilling relationships. A life devoid of pleasurable anticipation makes for a very dull existence, and a dull existence makes for an empty Soul, and an empty Soul is not conducive to happy unions.
I manage these disappointments, the events come, I find my way through and they pass. It is the every day happenings requiring my commitment which trouble me most. Inability to commit, for whatever reason, breeds isolation. Making a date to meet a friend for coffee becomes an impossibility when you don’t know what your physical state or mental being will be within the next few minutes, let alone the next few hours, days or weeks.
Friends never leave me, but at the same time, their World continues, they can’t wait, I wouldn’t expect them to. Likewise husbands, sisters, parents. The World doesn’t make many allowances for the mentally-ill-but-just-about-getting-through. Full blown breakdowns warrant immediate action and care . Just surviving warrants making your own way. And making your own way is a lonely place to be.