When Pain causes Pain

If I were to look up pain in a thesaurus I would struggle to use any of the alternatives on offer. For me, it a is a word which instantly conveys the level of the distress that is going on inside my head, and I use it to explain away my otherwise inexcusable behaviour.

Pain is the sick feeling in my stomach; the toxic black smog inside my head; the body that has had the life sucked out of it ; the irritableness; the unforgiving loneliness; the irrational anger; the joylessness.

Pain is relentless in Depression – it is there when I open my eyes first thing in the morning and it is there when I close them last thing at night. 

The thing with Inner Pain is, that it is destined to be shown outwardly, and the expression of outward pain comes in many guises. Perhaps tears of pain are slightly endearing and at least enable the Comforter to express sympathy, empathy and to provide physical relief in the form of a hug. Tears of pain can prompt an onslaught of warmth.

Pain expressed by means of anger is not so appealing.

When you verbally attack your husband –  your dear, gentle, beyond patient, doting husband – on the eve of his birthday, it does not feel good. Nor is it conducive to achieving the comfort and alliance I am so desperately in need of.

I hear the words leaving my mouth ( my husband so often doesn’t as I can barely bring myself to open my mouth wide enough to allow the words to be formed ) and I detest what I am saying. I despise myself for the verbal abuse I am inflicting upon this decent Human Being who innocently fell in love with a woman plagued with mental illness. How cruel that my pain should inflict pain upon another. 

I cried myself to sleep last night. I do not recognise the person that I have become. I did not battle anorexia for the past 24 years to end up like this. This is not what I ‘ recovered ‘ for. This person is vile and unloveable and dull and untouchable. This person is condemned. This person is incapable of kindness.

Pain is uncontainable and truly ugly in its infliction upon those you care for the most. 

 

 

 

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