“Depression is a disease of loneliness, and anyone who has suffered it acutely knows that it imposes a dread isolation, even for people surrounded by love …” , taken from The Noonday Demon, by Andrew Solomon.
It is a strange phenomenon when the thing you crave the most, seems also to be the hardest thing in the world to behold.
In the times of being in a state of starvation, food has filled my every thought – I fantasised about it, imagined myself consuming it and physically salivated dreaming about it – yet picking up a knife and fork to commence a meal repulsed me as if it were the stuff of my nightmares not of my dreams. I now find the same happening with my painful longings for companionship.
Depression causes a deep disconnect to the world and its inhabitants. And when there is disconnect, the world you inhabit, is one of solitude.
In the school playground my eyes settle on people, groups of people, parents, adults, friends – someone talks, someone laughs, someone nods to claim their part in the conversation – it is real, it is happening, but not to me. My reality is in the unreality. I am in a trance, manipulated and controlled by a force beyond my comprehension.
The company I crave so badly has been cruelly devalued rendering it virtually worthless.
I don’t have any happiness to share, my unhappiness is my truth and my truth is dull. I am bored of my negativity. Friendships exist by a silent rule of give and take, highs and lows, ups and downs. They thrive on fluctuating positions of weakness and strength – no one wants to be needed all of the time, as equally as no one wants to be needy all of the time. When you are stuck in an eternal Low, it gets too much – too much to continually share and too much to be continually listened to.
And then there is the pain of being in the presence of a Functioning, Living Being. How stark a reminder of my malfunctioning. Friends are fairground mirrors showing a soul full of life with one of decay staring back at them.
Depression causes loneliness and loneliness causes depression. What a lonely place to be.