How much pain there is to be found in being neither here nor there. How much time I spend wishing I could give up – give up on life, give up on motherhood, give up on ‘ holding it together ‘.
I let vivid images play out in my mind. Images of how it would be to simply let my legs give way from beneath me. The relief that might come with my collapse. What words would people say as I listened on in my collapsed state? Would they say “But I never realised things were so bad ” , or ” She needs help, somebody help her “. And would someone scoop me up in their arms and tell me that ‘ everything is going to be ok now ‘?
Every day I go through the motions of being someone of sound mind. I am of adult age, I am a mother, therefore I am required to be functioning – there is no room for malfunction. But how difficult to be a mother when all you want is someone to ‘ mother ‘you. How out of reach it is to be an adult when you feel like sobbing like a baby.
I possess neither the world of breakdown, nor the world of health and wellbeing. My affiliation to the world went horribly wrong but I have no time to correct it. No time to take a break from living to fix it.
Depression and life have been forced to co exist , but the relationship is not one of harmony.