No one can fix me. No one can fix me. NO ONE CAN FIX ME.
As of today, I have begun to recognise this to be the truth – in all its sorrowful, devastating reality. But strangely, sometimes, the pain that is the truth, is a pain that is a relief to bear. Because false hope can become a burden, one that relinquishes responsibility but brings about pitifully tragic expectations and woefully torturous longings.
How can I offer up my affection whilst inside I am writhing with bitterness at Their inability to make me feel loved. How can love be given without resentment when you are waiting to be saved? Why won’t They take away my loneliness and stop me from feeling alone ever again? Why won’t They force their love to be accepted by my damaged mind? Why can’t They fill my every vein, organ, limb, artery and bone with their love so that nothing can hurt me, no thought can disturb me any longer, no viscous hatred can urge me on to a place of non existence for another second more? Why are They failing me?
Of course, they are not. What I desire is not possible. I ask and expect the impossible. No amount of love in the world could change what I am feeling. My pain is my pain. My loathing, all mine. They could scream and shout, rant and rage, pacify and understand, cry and laugh, empathise and sympathise, love and hate and be by my side for every breath I take – but they wouldn’t come close to touching my hurt.
I am lonely in their love and they in mine, for love cannot be fairly reciprocated by a Damsel in Distress if she has rendered herself helpless and lies the blame at the foot of her would be Knight if her rescue goes horribly wrong. I am in distress, I want my Knight, but I have reached the end of the story and now the moral dawns on me – Knights in shining Armour are the stuff of Fairy Tales. My life, however unpleasant, is happening now, it is incredibly real and tragically sad. To continue lying in wait now would seem foolish.
I can’t do this on my own, nor should I have to. But to find my way out means letting people in – on a basis that is fair to them and fair to me. The unrealistic hopes need to go. Apportioning blame to those ignorant to their crime, needs to cease. I have to make peace with myself so that the war with those surrounding me can end.