It’s been a while. I won’t allow myself to offer up explanations or apologise for the absence of my words. This is a real time, real life, journey.
I find myself inhabiting a place where days are painfully demanding, nights just not long enough. My fantasies are not ones of great riches and wealth beyond measure, but of taking to bed and sleeping the day away. I force it to remain a fantasy. I refuse to let it become my reality.
Thoughts can be found in abundance, more than is healthy, surplus to existence. Thought is my downfall. Thought drives me to distraction and wills me towards destruction. My mind is tormented and my body fatigued. I live with these things. They are not conducive to happiness.
To my loved ones I silently plea; forgive my irritability, my lethargy, my unwillingness to commit. Please overlook them without explanation or justification. You must do this in good faith that all is not right. I know you can not always see the wrongs, more often than not you’re not looking for them anyhow. I know you do not wish to hear of my disconcerting pain. Too many times heads turn away. There is no place amongst The Functional for The Dysfunctional. There is no place for dis-ease.
I have come far, it would be wrong of me to pretend otherwise. I’m no longer acting out my reality through days whiled away on the sofa. My depression has gone underground. Fakery of wellness depletes, exhausts and isolates, but it opens doors. I feign normality and it goes down as truth, but I’m not buying it. Hiding mental illness is not desirable, but it holds more options. There can be hope of joining The Land of the Living, even if somewhat fraudulently. Inside I weep. Inside I scream. Inside I am broken. To be alive in a head full of anguish is not a scenario I relish acting out. I long for a different script.
So where to from here? I’ll keep living. The day I give up, is the day I give in, and the day I give in, is the day I cease to be. I maintain a level of emotional intelligence which allows me to know that my Potential Life, the one I hope to one day gain access, is a good one.